My life as a yo-yo.

Once again things have changed in our lives. And, yet again, I am unhappy and angry with the change. I'm really tired of having things planned out one way and then they end up going another and they've nothing to do with anything we did or could do. I feel like we are moving backwards in our lives instead of forward. I feel hurt and embarrassed and annoyed. Financially, we are in a much better postition than most people we know, yet we're the ones doing things that make it seem like we've been irresponsible in some way. And maybe we have. I can't help but feel like we continue to pay for the mistakes we've made in the past. Seems it always comes back to haunt us. Regardless of how hard we try to do the right things and make the "right" plans, they get shredded and torn up and so far, I've yet to see much positive outcome.

I'm tired of having hopes and dreams. I'm tired of thinking it will all get better or be for the best. I'm really tired of every stupid cliche you can think of to inspire hope to those in need. It surely could be worse. I surely should be and am grateful that it isn't as bad as it could be. But I refuse to delude myself, or others, into thinking I'm okay or that I'm content to just do what has to be done. I'm not a sunshine and roses kind of girl. It is not my nature to take things in stride. It is my instinct to think and feel the worst about whatever may be. And to be royally pissed off about it.

I'm not much up for changing my mind about that right now.

Holidays

This is both my very favorite and most difficult time of year. I love the Holidays. Thanksgiving is great because of the food but Christmas is my favorite. I love the lights, the music, the decorations, the food. I love when my kids remember that it is about Jesus and not just Santa and presents ( I do confess that I do get hung up on the presents part-but out of a desire to give not to receive). Travis, however, hates the holidays. It's true, I'm married to some hybrid of Scrooge and The Grinch. He doesn't want to deal with the hassle of decorations. The only part he does like is the cutting down of the tree. He also hates it because we always fight about money. I always feel like there's more money that we can use to give and he always feels there's not ANY. It can be depressing because we fight and because we usually end up forgoing a lot of things we'd like to buy for or give to others. I always feel bad because I suck a gift giving. I always want to buy Travis something awesome, but I never really know what to get and even if I do, there simply isn't money to get it. Being a stay-at-home mom who doesn't bring in any income makes it hard to because I have to ask for the money to buy his gifts. Sorta ruins it for me. I'm sure we could be better about how we do things and all that but hey....

It's also rough because there are so many other celebrations for us. Our anniversary was Nov. 10th. Then start the birthdays. In order, beginning Dec. 2nd through Dec. 16th, it goes something like this: Me, Travis' BFF, the twins, my brother, my sister, HIS brother, then Travis. There's probably more I'm forgetting. And those are all before Christmas. Then in Jan. it is Darren's birthday. Whew....Worse than the money is the simple fact that I truly hate birthday parties. Especially kids parties. It's so loud and obnoxious and messy...Ugh. Thankfully this year I managed to get the kids to agree to a simple dinner out vs. a birthday bash at some expensive place. We'll still have cake, but there will only be 2 or 3 other kids there plus important adult family and friends. Sweet :)

Travis will get out of doing probably any decorating at all this year on account of us moving come January. I might put up some lights around the front window and put my two little tree lights out, but that will likely be all. I am not sure what we will do for a Christmas tree. Maybe just a small one stacked on top of some boxes...LOL. Plus we'll also be preoccupied with preparing for Cara Annagail. Making sure we have everything we need and that we don't pack up or misplace something we'll need immediately for her. I know she isn't due until March, but I like to keep tabs on what I've got where. We're supposed to have a shower on Jan. 31st and I might want to replace something I already have with something I receive or take back something that I don't need or whatever, because we already have tons of clothes. Somehow I've acquired a "baby" angel at church. She's has so far offered to GIVE us a crib, a changing table, a glider rocker, and highchairs. She's also willing to keep it all until we get moved so we don't have to move it twice. I am not sure how I managed to get so blessed but I'm going to certainly take it! We trusted God would provide and so He is. I have no idea how we would've afforded a crib alone, much less all the other stuff she's giving us. It helps soothe some of the other concerns and worries we're having right now.

I'm trying to remember how He's provided us with so much so far and how blessed and lucky we are to have what we have. I'm trying to remember that the season is about being thankful and being blessed and being given so much more than we ever deserved. I'm trying to remember...but sometimes I get in my way. :)

I have this issue and I don't know what to do about it. In fact, I'm not sure anything CAN be done. Its just that I'm beginning to think it is hindering me in some way.

I love my kids. I do. They are the funniest people I know. I obviously love spending time with them because I choose to not only stay at home, but also to homeschool. However, I have a confession. I really do NOT enjoy being at public functions with my kids. Meaning, I really do not like to take them over to other people's houses or to group outings or special church functions, etc. Why? I can't exactly pinpoint it. First off, they are generally well behaved kids. They usually mind their manners and do what they are told. They do tend to get a little antsy or "whiny" whenever there isn't something specifically child friendly to do but who can blame them? However, I feel "on guard" the whole time we are out and I can't relax or enjoy myself. Even if we are some place where there are other kids or fun things to do. I don't know. Today, we had a lunch at church and I didn't get to do anything other than fix the kids food, eat, clean up, and leave. My husband is a major social butterfly and he can't sit still, so he often disappears and leaves me "watching" the kids. So, I couldn't just get up and go talk to anyone and I certainly can't leave them running around on their own. Maybe some people can, and maybe I should, but I can't. There's a group that meets every other Wed. that I'd love to join in, but I feel like I can't, because my kids are the youngest of those that may or may not show up, and they just aren't good at being left on their own at someone elses' house-especially if there isn't anything for them to do. And I don't feel right sending them off to my mom's every other Wed., especially not when they've gone over there so much lately.

I know this probably sounds like I'm complaining about my kids or having my kids, but that's not it. I'm trying to figure out if I'm just overly...I don't know...something. I really want to get out and do more, but that's very hard to do with you have 3 young kids and a husband who works nights.

Baby brain

I have spent wayyy too much time on the internet looking at baby stuff. I didn't look AT ALL before Monday because I didn't want to fall in love with the perfect little boy or girl thing, only to find out I was having the opposite of what the object was intended for. However, now that I know, I find myself gravitating more towards neutral (there's more out there than you think) or "boy-ish" stuff. Part of my logic for that is that Travis and I are seriously considering doing this baby thing one more time. So, I WAS trying to do the smart thing and get things that can easily be used for a boy should we end up with one next time (or this one surprise us in the delivery room!). Then there was a big confusing fiasco with my mother and my two pack 'n plays (which she bought for my twins, but she is now using for my sisters twins), which has resulted in her buying me another one at a yard sale (which really is cute and will go with our living room and is neutral) and her planning to buy me a brand new one. So, I am somewhat limited in my choices because I honestly can't see spending $150-$300 on what is essentially a playpen and I wouldn't dream of asking my mom to either. I did finally pick out one that I think is cute (and girly-brown and pink) and it isn't too ridiculously priced-$107. There is, naturally, a matching highchair, and travel system, so we're looking into doing that, too.

We also have, more or less, decided on a name. Cara Annagail. I know, it's a mouthful, and "Annagail" sounds like I meant "Abigail", but there is a reason! My grandmothers' middle names are Ann and Gail. When I was pregnant with Darren (and oh-so-sure he was a girl) I made up the name "Annagail" as a way to honor my grandmothers. When Darren turned out to be a boy, I asked God to please give me a chance to use the name I came up with. Naturally, when I found out I was pregnant again, I began to debate about this name and whether or not I really liked it. But when I saw it was a girl, I knew I had to find some way to integrate "Ann" and "Gail" into her name. Travis and I had both already considered "Cara" as a strong contender. I thought about Megann Gail, but I didn't love it, Cara Ann Gail is too much, and Cara GailAnn or Gail Ann doesn't look or sound right to me, and Travis is dead set on Cara. So, there you have it. It really is growing on me, the more I think and say it.

Halloween is tomorrow! Yippee! Candy for Mommy! LOL

I goofed

I redid a blog I saved but never posted. So it posted my newest blog BEFORE the last two I've done, and I don't know how to put a link in for it. So, go read "Baby Brain". It's new. :)

makemebabies.com

They say this is what Baby Girl (tentatively named Cara) Jenkins will look like. :)

Today's ultrasound revealed ONE GIRL!!! I was so happy. But this little chick was seriously stubborn or very modest, because it took a lot of work to get her to let us see! Everything looks good, she measured at being a week "older", so I'm betting she's gonna be tall. She also weighed 1lb. They did see a small white spot on her heart (known as a echogenic intracardiac focus). The doctor said it was nothing to panic about, but I could choose to be referred to a specialist or I could come back to my doctor's office and have a follow-up ultrasound in 2 weeks. We chose to do a follow-up ultrasound before doing anything else. I am really not too concerned as this is fairly common, and both Raelynn and one of my nieces had the same thing and both are fine.

I just felt like this is proof that sometimes God does answer somewhat selfish prayers. :) I am glad all seems fine and healthy, and I am so thankful that God chose to let us have another girl!

Now the battle for the names begins.....LOL